The first time I stopped using pornography and sought porn addiction help was in 1989. For the next 20 years I stopped countless times. Stopping is easy. Starting again is even easier.
I spent over $20,000 on various therapies over a ten year period, trying to curb the anger and depression that seemed to plague my life. I had some very good therapists, but the anger and the depression didn’t subside until I found a way to stop using porn.
There is a way out of the “porn trap.”
Yes, I had an anger problem. Watching porn made it ten times worse. I lived a double life. I excelled at covering my tracks and yet the truth of my secret life haunted me. Living two lives wore me out. I had to keep the smile on my face. I had to keep my secret. I was a slave and nobody knew. I wanted to be a good husband, but I wasn’t. I was petrified that my wife would “see it in my eyes” so I pushed her away with criticism and coldness. I became an expert at pointing out her faults; starting conflict about insignificant stuff just to keep her at bay; twisting her reality. When she pointed out that something was wrong in our relationship, I did my best to make her think the fault lay with her. I put the focus on her in order to avoid any attention on me.
My own way didn’t work.
I tried everything to leave porn behind. Porn was like one of those compulsive and destructive relationships where, no matter how often you break up, you’re back together within a few days. I made resolutions: “When I turn 30,” “After my birthday,” “At the start of the new year.” I put filters on my computer. I went to healing conferences. I sought porn addiction help from multiple therapists. I prayed. I broke the dvds in half and gave away my modem. I memorized affirmations. I practiced yoga. I meditated, and yet through all of these efforts, the porn use continued, unabated. The common element in all of these “ways” was that I remained isolated; I didn’t share my secret with anyone. I was determined to fix this problem myself. It didn’t work.
Only one way out.
After many years of dead ends and false starts, I finally found a way out of the “porn trap”, or more accurately, the way found me.
There is only one path out of this addiction – only one form of porn addiction help that works – and it is a path that men do not want to travel. When I show them this path, I see the fear in their eyes and I hear the desperation in their voice as they ask me for an easier way. Most men would do 100 pushups, meditate for an hour, and run up a mountain rather than walk the path that has led thousands to freedom.
The path out of porn is that of rigorous honesty and in this regard it takes 100%. If you tell most of the truth but not all of it, you will remain enslaved.
99% transparency will get you 0% free.
It is all or nothing.
Action not attitude.
Most guys who admit that porn has a grip on them, say that they wants to stop. The men that do stop are the ones who are willing to tell the truth. You don’t need a good attitude. You don’t need to believe that this program works. All you need to do is seek porn addiction help that requires you to tell the truth. Healing is 0% attitude and 100% truth telling. A guy can declare his love for his wife and sincerely express remorse but if he cuts corners on the truth, he will end up back in the porn trap. When you have an infection the doctor gives you antibiotics. You can hate the doctor and hate the pills, but if you swallow them, they will work and you will get better. On the other hand if you proclaim that you’ll do anything to feel better but refuse to swallow the pills, the infection will remain. Recovery is exactly the same. It really is that simple.
Simple but not easy. The hardest thing a man will ever do is be truthful with himself, with other men and with his wife.
During the summer after my freshman year of college, I attended Marine Corps Officer Candidate School. 40% of the guys who started with me, dropped out. It was brutal. I’d never been so tired and exhausted and scared. I made it through that summer. It was an experience I will never forget. Recovering from a life of porn and learning to tell the truth was harder, much harder. It took everything I had and more. It was the one thing I simply could not do alone.
What do you want?
Some guys don’t actually want to know about this path out of porn – the only form of porn addiction help that really works. They want to remain a “victim” of their addiction because they don’t want to give it up. If a guy truly believes there is no way out, then he has a lifelong excuse to keep doing his drug. I understand that mentality. I was that guy.
The problem is that porn is a cruel master. It will steal you away from your wife, your kids, and possibly your job. You will become the husband and dad that you swore you’d never be, and no matter how much time you spend doing porn, you will never be satisfied. The hunger will only increase.
If you hear nothing else, just hear this: You can live free of porn. I am living free and I am not alone. There are other men here on the Central Coast who were hopelessly hooked and now live their lives in the light. They have healthy vibrant marriages free of deception.
You can change. You can walk away from something that, for years, has enslaved you. You can become the dad, the husband and the friend that you’ve always wanted to be.
There is hope.
It’s up to you.