Porn Addiction Help – My Husband is a Porn Addict

He told me before we were married that he ‘struggled’ with porn. I thought it was something that all guys do. Somewhere in my secret heart, I was hoping that ‘my man’ wouldn’t do it, but I was also glad that he told me. He promised that he wasn’t really addicted, that he certainly didn’t need porn addiction help, and that he would stop.

That was 8 years ago. In the meantime I’ve caught him numerous times, sometimes by looking at his phone (I know I shouldn’t do that) and more recently by seeing porn on his screen. Each time I catch him, we go through the same cycle – he gets mad at me for snooping, I get mad back, he promises to stop, I believe him, and so it goes. The thing is, that each time he promises to stop I believe him, and the truly scary thing is that HE believes himself! What does that say? It says that he sincerely believes he can stop looking at porn but he can’t stop!  It means that porn has more of a hold on him than he can admit, and regardless of what he says he really does need qualified porn addiction help.

Why?

I don’t understand. How can he see my pain around this issue, and sincerely promise to stop, and yet be back at in within a month. That is just strange to me. I asked him how he would feel if I purposefully scratched his beloved car, apologized and then did it again. He replied, “I would think you either hated me or you were nuts”

Exactly. Cruel or crazy. Neither are attractive attributes for the man I chose as the father of my kids.

Who to tell?

This is not an easy topic to discuss but I was so in need of porn addiction help from any source that I carefully brought it up with a mommy friend of mine. Her first question was, ‘does that bother you’? and when I replied, ‘yes it does’, I felt as if suddenly I was the one who needed therapy because if I were an open minded, hip wife, porn wouldn’t bother me. The next thing she said was, “are you guys having enough sex?” Ouch. Seriously? So his desire to isolate and masturbate to two dimensional images of women he’s never met is because I’m not servicing him? Really?

The next discouraging stage was seeing a marriage therapist. She was very helpful in teaching us how to communicate, however,  when the porn issue was brought up, the focus was on how it hurt me, not on giving him the ultimatum that he needs to stop. While seeing this therapist we did communicate more often, but his porn use continued unabated.  It definitely wasn’t the porn addiction help I was looking for. It seemed crazy to me that I was learning to communicate with a drug addict while he continued doing his drug. Have you ever had a lengthy conversation with a drunk guy? The drunk guy always thinks he is making perfect sense. That is what it was like for me. My frustration continued to build and yes I would occasionally yell at him, and then my husband would point to my anger as the thing that pushed him to porn.

So, it’s my fault?

How did I get into this land of crazy? He steps on my toe and it’s my toe’s fault? The crazy thing is that I believed him. I looked at his history once (don’t do this unless you are ready for what you might find) and his favorite type of porn is ‘barely legal’ which is porn with 18 and 19 year old girls. Now I am no slouch, but two kids and 10 years being out of high school has taken a toll on my body. I can’t compete with those images. They never ask him to wash the dishes or engage emotionally or change a diaper. All those images do is offer him a warped view of female sexuality. I did a little research and in 87% of the top ten porn videos there is physical abuse (slapping, pulling hair or pinching), and in all cases the response of the woman was either positive “oh yeah baby pull my hair ” or neutral (she said nothing). I don’t know about you ladies, but if my husband pulled my hair while we were having sex, I would be more likely to say, “What the hell are you doing?” Do you see what I mean? There is no way a living breathing woman can compete with porn. My husband has to balance a checkbook with me and raise two kids with me, but he can turn his porn lovers off or on with the flick of a switch.

This sucks

I can tell you, I am not a prude, but I want other wives out there to know that PORN SUCKS! It steals your attentive husband and turns him into a defensive, critical, withdrawn prick! I don’t care what people get up to in the privacy of their own bedroom. I don’t judge you if some of you like porn or if you don’t care that your husband watches porn, but for me, I have grown to hate it. It feels like porn is his elusive mistress that creates in him an increasing dissatisfaction with me, both inside and outside of the bedroom. The weird thing is that you’d think porn would make him horny for me, but it has had the opposite effect. Our sex life has cut in half and it is usually me that has to initiate. What is wrong with this picture?

So where am I now?

I had to get out of crazy land for the sake of my kids. This wasn’t easy. Pain drove me. I gave my husband an ultimatum – he either gets porn addiction help or I walk. I know this seems severe, but it took me eight years to get here. I don’t like porn, but it is the emotional distance and the unspoken criticism that I have come to hate; and when I saw him preferring time with his computer to time with our two kids, I knew I had to do something.  I was weary of being the wife he had to put up with, I wanted to be the wife he loved.

The way out

I did research. I started with this confidential assessment

I didn’t stop there. I learned about what porn does to a guy’s brain. Here is a great website.

www.yourbrainonporn.com

Then I reached out to a local CSAT (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist) for porn addiction help – Resolve Therapy– and that made all the difference. I felt like my long journey through the land of crazy was coming to an end. Someone finally understood.

My husband hated the idea of paying for therapy but he went and so far so good. The trust is beginning to be rebuilt. He is much more attentive with both me and the kids. We still have our edgy moments and the road is not without its bumps but for the first time in 8 years, my husband and I are on the same team and that feels good.